WHITE NOISE

By Alice Kuo Shippee

Since I lived alone in my 20’s, I’ve always liked to have the TV on to keep my company. While cleaning, doing dishes, organizing my closet, even sleeping. I had a series of really old TVs I picked up at thrift stores. One of them was a hefty box, probably circa 1980’s. The picture tube had stopped working, but I turned it on for the sound. I listened to a lot of The Oprah Winfrey Show the year I lived on Stoner Avenue in West LA. My parents had helped me sign a lease on a 2-bedroom 1-bath that was a $1200/month. The original plan was to get three roommates and share a room or to get one roommate and have our own. I didn’t really want to share a room with anyone. The living room seemed very spacious to me, so I curtained off a section of it and moved my single mattress, dresser, and bureau to that end. I paid the least rent, and still everyone got a great deal. When the big TV without the picture was finally left on the curb, I found a little black and white TV that hand a handle on top near the rabbit ears. The picture tube worked, so that became the TV I kept on. I had a really weird roommate that I had found through a bulletin board at UCLA. One day, I saw that she had taken my TV inside her own room, so that led to some strong words from me. Who does that?

That little B & W set followed me to my next place, a condo that my cousin’s parents & mine invested in. I put the TV on a little table in the corner of my room, and I kept it on every night, all night, the volume turned all the way down as far as the knob would go, but there was still murmur. If I woke up in the middle of the night, I was always comforted to see the TV still on, glowing its cool white from the corner. Sometimes, it would just be fuzzy, which I didn’t like because of the Poltergeist movie. That TV saw me through some break ups, some late night studying. I don’t remember what happened to that TV—if it finally stopped working or what. I can’t imagine that I’d want to get rid of it.

I still like to have the TV on now when I’m puttering around. Nowadays, you can stream whatever you want, whenever you want, which is still a marvel to me. And weirdly, I use this magical power to play the same shows over and over, like my phone or TV is a DVD player. I realize now from some reading that this might be a sign of my self-diagnosed ADD. I like to know what to expect, and I can also completely ignore it, because I’ve already seen the ending.

British murder mysteries are my absolute favorite. They tend to be quiet, and the accents are soothing to my ears. There’s a limited series called The Night Manager, starring Tom Hiddleston and Olivia Colman, that is my go-to. It’s a sexy, sensuous, James Bond-like experience, without a ton of shoot ‘em up scenes that are louder than the conversations. I’m not quite sure why this show does it for me, but it does. Having it on is kind of like an itch I like to scratch, but I might be embarrassed to scratch it when others are around. I think my husband and kids might find it annoying…but then again my kids like to watch their favorites over and over as well: The Office, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turttles, Sonic the Hedghog, and of course, Avatar: The Last Airbender.

We used a white noise function on an old digital clock/CD player when the kids were little. There was a wind setting that was the best, and we always had it on. I couldn’t use a TV in the corner of the bedrooms, I guess. And after using white noise for the babies, I now can’t fall asleep without it. When things are completely silent, my brain is really loud. Racing thoughts, shopping lists, quasi-dream states that feel like I’ve just been thinking for hours and hours. I have an app on my phone, we have an original white noise machine, and we have fans. If it’s really quiet in the summer and we have the slider open, we can actually hear the ocean waves lapping at the beach in the distance. But that keeps me awake, the alternating splash and silence.

I like to fall asleep on the couch in the living room with the TV on whenever I feel like I can stay up late. I am one of those wives that likes to take forever to pick a show to fall asleep to, leaning against the rising & falling chest of my husband, who twitches with involuntary excitement during action scenes…or also when he’s drifting off to dreamland.